Five Guys Burgers & Fries rated 4.9

In a desert of the same burger over and over again, I have found an oasis: Five Guys Burgers and Fries is amazing.  Ok, so they don't have any beer and the french fries etc. are a la carte, but their hamburgers aare excellent!  The bun was the perfect size.  Their regular hamburger comes with 2 patties!  The toppings were delicious!  Not only that (are you ready?) THEY MAKE THEIR FRIES ON THE PREMISES!  For five bucks I had one of the best hamburgers I have ever tasted. 

They will only make the hamburger one way - well done; however, they have found a way to cook the hamburger all the way through and still leave it juicy!  The french fries were very, very good.  I am seriously impressed.  Five guys has now become my eatery of choice.

Happy eating,

Cranky

Virgil's BBQ rated 1.4

So, there I am in Times Square and Mrs. Cranky gets hungry.  That usually means I have about two or three minutes to find a suitable place to eat before Dr. Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde.  Fortunately, there right in front of us, was Virgil's BBQ.  The smell from this place was heavenly; they didn't look crowded, and they had two floors.  We were with several other people and apparently Virgil's isn't used to serving a party larger than three because we didn't get seated till more than an hour later.

Anyway, I ordered the Virgil's hamburger.  This was supposed to be a hamburger that was full of smoky, barbeque flavor.  I was expecting something really different and exciting.  What I got was a plain hamburger.  Now don't get me wrong: I like hamburgers; however, this was supposed to taste like it was cooked in a smoker, right alongside the jerky.  It did not.  It tasted like it had been fried, on a flat grill, right alonside somebody's eggs.  To add insult to injury, they couldn't even cook it medium.  It came to me well done.

Ok so there was no barbeque flavor as advertised but what about the bun?  It was average.  Ok, so what about the toppings?  I had a wilted piece of lettuce (could they spare it?), a slice of tomato, and some sliced onion (yawn).  Finally (are you ready for this?), the frenchfries were BURNT.  How does ANYBODY have the gall to serve burnt frenchfries!?

Now I understand how things are.  If you are in Times Square, you are going to pay ten dollars to get a bowl of cereal for breakfast.  I get it.  But if you're going to gouge me on the price, the very LEAST you can do is make the meal memorable.  This is one meal I would rather forget.

Happy eating,

Cranky

Salem Beer Works Classic Burger rated 4.7

This is the first time I have been to Salem Beer Works, but it won't be the last.  All of their beer is on tap!  If you like beer, visit this place.  If you love beer, move to Salem.  One more thing about the beer: I was having a difficult time deciding which beer I wanted to try, so the waiter brought me a Sampler Pack!  Four, 4 oz. beers arranged from lightest to darkest.  It was fantastic.  I know; I know; you're thinking, but this is supposed to be about the burger.  You are partially correct.  Let me explain: If one is listening to somebody with an amazing voice (Pavarotti, for example), all one wants to hear is the voice.  You do not want to hear instruments or people talking or ANYTHING.  You paid to hear this great tenor and that is what you want to hear.  Similarly, if I cook a filet (Filet Mignon or tenderloin - depending on which part of the country you are from), I am not going to cover it with ketchup or 'steak sauce' or ANYTHING because I want to taste the filet.  A hamburger is different.  A hamburger is similar to a symphony.  In a symphony you have lots of different sounds made by lots of different instruments played by lots of different people.  All of this chaos has to come together to make one beautiful sound that is wonderful to listen to.  A hamburger is lots of different food with lots of different textures all at different serving temperatures.  All of this has to come together to make one wonderful, balanced, taste.  This is a microcosm of the eating experience: the waitstaff and the food and the drinks and the atmosphere and even the PLACE all have to work together to make one enjoyable dining experience.  So while this IS about the burger, there are lots of other factors to consider as well, and beer is one of those things that just goes perfectly with a hamburger.

Okay, I ordered the New Classic burger.  Unfortunately, this comes with a grilled bun.  Fortunately, they take the time to spell that out in the menu so I was able to keep the bun sacrosanct.  The toppings category is where the Salem Beer Works really distinguishes itself.  The waitperson actually asks if you would like lettuce, tomato, pickles, and onions with the burger and (if you say yes) they all come on the side!  What a fabulous idea: allow the customer to make the burger the way HE wants it!  In addition to that, you can order a whole slew of other toppings, though they cost extra.

The bun was just the right size and complemented the burger well.  The toppings were excellent and the french fries were delicious.  One (and perhaps the only) negative thing is the price.  10 dollars for just the burger is a little high; however, the waitstaff almost make up for that.  Our waiter was a guy named Peter and he was fantastic!  He actually made our meal more enjoyable.

Normally, I would finish my meal with a cup of coffee; however, our waiter suggested that the coffee was...less than great, and he suggested I get a beer instead (which I did.)  So...would the Salem Beer Works get the Cranky Seal of Approval?  Absolutely, in fact I would go out of my way to go to this place.  It was that good.

Happy eating,

Cranky

Cheesecake Factory's Old Fashioned burger rated 4.4

The Cheesecake Factory is an 'Old School' type of restaurant.  What I mean by that is they specialize in a particular thing (in this case cheesecake) and their specialty is so good they have been able to develop a restaurant around it.  Anyway, Mrs. Cranky wanted to go there; fortunately for me, they have recently upgraded their menu, so they now offer a hamburger (can you imagine a restaurant the doesn't have a hamburger on the menu?!) 

The Cheescake Factory has taken the same route as Chile's in that they offer a hamburger; however, they only offer it 'all dressed up' (in this case with tomatoes, lettuce, pickles, and mayonnaise.)  They also grill the bun (sigh).  Apparently they labor under the impression that I am incapable of ordering toppings for my burger so that I can get it the way I want it.  Whatever the reason, at least they take the time to tell you in their menu.

My burger came as it is spelled out in the menu (suspiciously like a Burger King Whopper Jr.) and I have to admit, even though I am not a big fan of mayonnaise, this burger was very good!  The pattie was tasty and was actually cooked medium.  The bun was just the right size and blended perfectly with the rest of the burger.  The toppings all worked well together and the french fries were quite good.  As always I finished my dinner with a cup of coffee and their coffee was great!  On top of that, the service was excellent!  So even though the price was a little high, I definitely give this the Cranky Seal of Approval.

Happy eating,

Cranky

Fuddrucker's part 2 rated 2.7

Ok, so I decided to give Fuddrucker's a second chance.  After all, anybody can have an off day.  So this time I tried the half pound burger.

I was ready for them this time: I told them ahead of time I did not want the bun grilled.  Unfortunately, everything else was the same: I got a smaller version of the one pound burger with a smaller version of the one pound bun (1/2 pound of meat with one pound of bread - that is crazy.)  The french fries were mediocre at best and the coffee was so watered down, it tasted like hot water.  For a burger that wasn't great, I think the price was high.  Considering the cost, when it comes right down to it I would probably choose a Burger King Whopper over a Fuddruckers hamburger.

On the positive side of things, the toppings table was amazing.  They had everything from tomatoes and lettuce to onions and jalapenos.  The meat was tasty and the meal was cooked quickly.  The service was also very good (though that isn't difficult for them: the customer has to get everything himself.)  Unfortunately for Fuddruckers, an ok hamburger pattie and quick, efficient service doesn't make up for a bun that is too big, fries that need to change, and terrible coffee.

Happy eating,

Cranky

99 All Star Steakburger rated 4.3

Tonight I went to the 99.  Ok, I understand this is a Friday night, and I understand that I went there smack dab in the middle of their dinner rush, AND I understand that I was in a party of 9; however, they told us the wait would be thirty to 45 minutes.  The wait turned out to be almost 90 minutes.  That is terrible.  Fortunately I was with a bunch of my very best freinds and that made the wait bearable; nonetheless, there is no excuse for a 90 minute wait.  I saw parties of 4 come and go.  That quickly becomes very irritating (the Service rating reflects this.)

When we finally got seated, they did manage to sit all of us together.  That was nice.  Our waitress' name was Tanya and she was excellent.  She was very attentive without being over-bearing.  In fact, she is the only reason they got three pickles in the Service rating.  She gave us the menus and that is when I got my first look at the drink selection: 9 beers on tap!  And one of them was Bass Ale!!  The 99, like Chili's, has two draft beer sizes (big and bigger) and the only thing better than a large draft Bass Ale is a larger one.  To all my soda drinking buddies (and I am talking especially to the two guys who hang out with Tim), the Pepsi family was well represented.  In fact, the Pepsi family was the ONLY soda family that was represented, so if you want diet you had better like diet Pepsi.  Mrs. Cranky doesn't go much for soda so she had a mango margarita (I think it was mango.  It may have been tangerine.  Whatever it was, it was a girly-drink.)  I had a taste of her drink and I am not afraid to say that it was an ex-QUI-site drink.  It was fabulous.  This is the kind of drink (as one of my friends said) that you wish you could make at home.

But enough of all that, on to the 'meat' of my post.  On the recommendation of one of Mrs. Cranky's colleagues, (Mrs. Cranky likes to refer to her as the Phantom Pickler) I ordered the All Star Steakburger.  This is a burger that comes with lettuce, tomato, pickles, carmelized onions, cheese, and a 'special' sauce.  I ordered mine medium, no cheese, and that is exactly how I got it.  Not only was it cooked exactly to order, it came with its own paper wrapper to catch all the bits that can get away from you when you're eating something like this.  I found the paper wrapper annoying, but I can see where some people would really appreciate it.  This burger came on a bun that defies description.  According to the menu, they make the bun themselves and one of the ingredients is Sam Adams Lager!  I believe it because that bun was wonderful.  The topppings were fresh and crisp and I could even taste the carmelized onions; not enough to overpower the burger, but they were there nonetheless.  The french fries were excellent.  This burger also came with coleslaw.  I'm not all that crazy about coleslaw (honestly, is there ANY way to really make cabbage tasty?), but as coleslaws go, this one was fine.  The only negative things I can say about this burger is that I never tasted any special sauce, and it was a little pricy.  I finished my meal with a cup of coffee (black, no sugar) that was hot and flavorful.  I wouldn't say the coffee was on par with the rest of the meal, but it was pretty good.

So, what does all this mean?  Does this burger get the Cranky Seal of Approval?  Absolutely.  This is a burger I would drive out of my way to get.  On a Friday night at dinner time, I would normally expect a restaurant's food to be at its worst.  If I had this burger at its worst, then I can't WAIT to try it at its best! 

Happy eating,

Cranky 

Chili's Old Timer rated 3.0

Chili's Restuarant, the restaurant that can't decide whether they're a Mexican joint, a purveyor of American food (in their defence - would ANYBODY want to go toe to toe with Friday's?), or perhaps a combination of the two (an Amerexican joint?)  They REALLY push their Margaritas.  That always makes me suspicious: why would a server of food really push their drink menu?  Anyway, they offer two sizes of draft beer: big and bigger.  Now, I rarely have an adult beverage anymore; I almost always order a soda with my burger, but as far as I'm concerned beer is the beverage that goes best with a hamburger and Chili's has a great selection of beers.

But I digress; this is after all about the burger.  The burger I ordered was the Chili's Old Timer.  The Old Timer is the closest thing Chili's offers to a regular hamburger.  The Old Timer comes to your table with mustard, lettuce, pickle, and onion already applied by whomever cooked the thing.  I normally find this aggravating, but Chili's does take the time to spell this out in their menu, and it actually tastes pretty good (not great - pretty good.)  What they don't take the time to spell out is the fact that they grill the bun!  Now I have nothing against butter.  At this point in my life I cannot eat it, but I have used it in the past.  I remember putting it on things like mashed potatoes and other vegetables.  I remember dipping lobster and crab meat into a little bowl of butter way back when.  What I do not remember is slathering my steak (or chicken, or pork) with butter!  That being the case, why in the world would I want it on my hamburger?!

Ok (deep, cleansing, breath) the Old Timer also comes with fries and a steak knife (I have NO idea why they serve a steak knife with a hamburger, but they do.)  Chili's fries were salty and tasty; they (like the burger) are pretty good.  Finally, I finished up with a cup of coffee and it, like everything else, was ok.  I ordered my coffee black and it came to my table very hot, but there was little if any flavor; it was very weak. 

To sum all of this up, everything was ok: it wasn't great; it wasn't terrible.  So, the big question, does this get the Cranky Seal of Approval?  Absolutely not, I would say the Chili's Old Timer was better than the burgers I've had at Fuddruckers, but not as good as the one they serve at the Picadilly Pub.

Happy eating,

Cranky

Picadilly Pub's Char Broiled Angus Burger rated 3.9

The Picadilly Pub is one of those Nearly Fast Food restaurants like Chili's or TGI Friday's.  The special thing about the Picadilly Pub is they have a very good burger and a decent cup of coffee.  I ordered my burger medium (everybody frowns on serving hamburger rare) and I got it just the way I ordered it.  It came with lettuce and tomato on the side (some onion would have been nice), french fries, and a pickle.  The bun was fresh and tasty; the burger was tender and juicy, and the fries were very good.  I ordered my coffee black (no cream, no sugar) and I got it piping hot.  The coffee wasn't as strong as I like it, but I could taste the coffee flavor nonetheless.  The price was very competitive as well. 

This is one of those reliable places I go where I know exactly what I am going to get, and I haven't been dissapointed yet.  Would I give them the Cranky Seal of Approval?  Considering the price, the service, and the quality, absolutely.

Happy eating,

Cranky

Fuddrucker's rated 2.7

Fuddrucker's Restaurant - The home of the one pound hamburger.  What could be better?  Well, for starters they could stop grilling the bun!  If I want butter on my burger then I will ask the waitress for some!  And another thing, what is going on with the size of the bun!?  The one pound burger comes with two pounds of bread!  That needs to change.  Aside from those two aggravations, everything else is pretty cool: the burger itself is tasty and done to order, there is an entire countertop with condiments and toppings, and most important they don't mess with the burger.  When I order a bacon mushroom burger, I expect bacon and mushrooms to be on my burger.  When I order a plain hamburger, I expect a ground sirloin patty surrounded by a tasty bun and Fuddrucker's does this.  As for sides, their french fries (which should come with every hamburger every time) are not very good.  French fries are a junk food: they should taste like a hot, soft potato chip.  Fuddrucker's fries have little or no taste and they are chewy.  They aren't as bad as Burger King's fries, but they aren't great good either.  Finally their coffee was crap.  I drank it black (no cream, no sugar) and it was watery and weak.  All in all, I wouldn't give Fuddrucker's the Cranky Seal of Approval, but I would recommend it as an ok place to get a burger.

Happy eating,

Cranky